Halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles, hugging scenic Highway 1, lies the tourist hamlet of Cambria. Or, to be technically correct, The Unincorporated Area Within San Luis Obispo County Known as Cambria. Whatever. That’s quite a mouthful for such a lovely place. The elephant seals, harbor seals, and sea otters may very well outnumber the human population, but seeing how THEY don’t cook pie, I have paid them little attention here. However, those slippery fellas do surf, and they clearly dominate those silly people wearing seal suits who grasp flotation devices.
To reach Cambria, you can teleport. Barring that obvious solution, you can drive north on Highway 1. I’ve never done that so there will be no smartypants remarks regarding that route. Highway 45 West is another option, and take great care not to replicate James Dean’s last ride. Cruising south on Highway 1, through the inimitable Big Sur coastline, is a breath-taking journey. For sustenance on this winding jaunt, right where the giant cliffs start plunging into the Pacific sits the famous Nepenthe restaurant and its downstairs twinlette, Cafe Kevah. Being a cheapskate, and broke at the time, I once sat at Nepenthe, drank in the view, and also ordered and drank the finest my money could buy -an entire pot of tea. NEVER, FREAKING EVER, DO THIS. Places to pee along a road seemingly etched into space are limited, if not outright nonexistent. It gives the term ‘water torture’ a whole new twist. And speaking of space, strap your board to your car as if your life depended on it, because the last thing you want to see while you’re ogling the view is your precious 7’8″ hybrid doing its best imitation of Base jumping.
SURFING and STROLLING near CAMBRIA
[ Pie tastes best when you’re hungry ]
SURFING is pretty self explanatory. Simply choose spots where you won’t splat into rocks. I paddled around one nearby area and then mentally divided it into three sections; Lefty O’Seal’s, Duct-Taped, and, I Know There Are Rocks Around Here Someplace. Farther north is Elephant Seal Kingdom. Known fact: elephant seals look more monstrously huge when you’re sharing the ocean with them. One sunny day at Stress Test, an elephant seal porpoised before my very eyes. Months later I pondered, hmm, now wait a minute here, why would an elephant seal feel the need to leap out of the water, at speed. Possibly because something EVEN BIGGER was cruising down below? Let’s pause. What could that POSSIBLY be?
Needless to say, if you’re surfing a place called Elephant Seal Kingdom, you know what’s up.
STROLLING: plenty, and it’s gorgeous. Want beaches? Got ‘me. Rolling mountains? That too. There’s trails all over the place. Fiscalini Ranch Preserve is in Cambria itself, running along the coast between two sections of housing and up some small hills. Driftwood benches dot the paths – you can pant up a hillock, plop down on a peak seat, and try to feel like a badass. If you’re feeling really vigorous, attempt the Cambria Biathalon. I humbly admit I invented this event. Park your car at the south end of Fiscalini, walk two miles to Lefty O’Seal’s, and be surprised to see that the surf is kinda working. Now you’ve got two miles to run back to your car, reload your surf gear, hightail it to the parking area, twist your body into improbable positions pulling on your wetsuit, unload your board, spring to the beach, and paddle. With extreme luck and speed you’ll have five minutes before conditions peter out. Now you’re starving and can devour all the pie your hungry heart desires. The Cambria Biathalon.
EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS: the car repair shops in the part of town called ‘Tin Alley’ deserve accolades. Winding down after a session at soon-to-be-named Duct Taped, my Honda’s trunk gave up the ghost and decided not to catch at all. Driving down the highway with the trunk boinging up and down like a muppet mouth wasn’t an appealing concept. I tried to Macguiver the latch with a leatherman and hand sanitizer – don’t ask – but attempt was fruitless. So plan B, I duct taped my car closed. I personally feel that nothing announces, ‘ class! ‘ like cruising around in a vehicle repaired with duct tape. Justin of VICTORIA’S LAST RESORT sent me to Tin Alley, where it took a tiny village of referrals to set the Civic straight. These guys took pity and set to work immediately. The Mighty Steed was repaired in no time at all. Big shoutout to GERBER’S AUTO SERVICE, CAMBRIA AUTO BODY & RESTORATION, and THE BODYMAN. Shoot, pretty much all of Tin Alley. Thank you!
PIES OF THE WEST 